Decisions, decisions....

I hate big decisions.  I hate big decisions because I will never know how my other choice would have ended.   We always say "Oh, I should have done _________."  But would have doing the other thing really been better? 

I think it is so funny when I tell women about my breakup.  They say things like
"Oh if it were me I would have just up and left!" or
"Hell no! I wouldn't stand for it.  I would even talk to him again." or
 "I don't think I could ever be nice to him.  He would never see the kids again!"
or my favorite: "Why would you ever even consider getting back together with him?  I would never even consider it!"
I would like to see those women actually do what they claim. I used to be one of them.

It is not that easy.  It is not that easy to give up your relationship, your family, your friend, your partner, and your life.  It is not easy to make the decision to say enough is enough and I'm done.  It is hard to not go back to what is comfortable and easy and go on living your life the way it was before.  I'm not going to lie...sometimes I wish things were back to "normal".  Sometimes I wish I could go back to July 24th and just stay there.  I wish I could stay on the couch with my sister making wedding plans.  That is the last time my life made sense.  It is the last time I can remember that I wasn't on an emotional roller coaster that I seem to be taking out on my loved ones, especially Kamry.  It was the last time I can remember feeling truly 100% happy. 

I know Peter and I had a lot of issues.  But to tell you the truth, up until those last 3 months of our relationship, I was happy.  I had friends, family, and a future.  I knew what to expect and I had a routine.  We were doing more and more things a family typically does like paying off the bills to be able to make bigger purchases, planning vacations, and community involvement. It felt good.  I felt good.  

I'm guessing its not easy to chose the other side of the decision and decided to stay and work on your relationship either.  I'm guessing it has to be hard to stay in a relationship where you have been betrayed. It must be hard to have to look at them every day.  It has to be hard to wonder if they are where they say they are when they are not with you.  I know for sure I don't want that feeling.  I don't want a relationship without trust.

No, I guess I will never know the other side of my decisions.  I will never know what would have happened if I chose a college here in Texas instead of Iowa.  I will never know what would have happened if I went to medical school instead of a teaching college.  I will never know what would have happened if I never met Peter and had my beautiful daughter.  I'm OK with it though.  I realize that every decision I have made was meant to put me exactly where I am today because my life is God's plan.

However, I think every once in a while He forgets his planner.

Random Acts of Kindness

Today I had something really awesome happen to me.  (For those of you who have my Facebook sorry to repeat the story.)

I stopped at my regular convenient store to buy my morning Coke Zero.  The line was several people long and there was an older gentleman in front of me.  He was wearing a brown checkered shirt and I believe he had on a green baseball cap.  His phone rang and as he stepped aside to answer it he told me "Go ahead." 
I said "Oh, thank you!" and stepped forward.  The store has just put up a display of Beanie Babies and I got distracted by them.  (I was picking out which ones would be good for my family members and thinking I would have to bring some money to buy them.)
I heard the store clerk say "Next!" and I started to step forward.  The green cap gentleman had walked around behind me and stepped up.  I just shrugged and went back to looking at the Beanie Babies while I waited my turn.  I heard him having a conversation with the woman behind the counter but I wasn't paying much attention.  He paid and left.  I stepped up and put my drink down. 
The woman said "You weren't with him?" 
"No." 
"Oh!  He paid for your drink!" she exclaimed.
I was stunned.  "What? Seriously? What do you mean?" 
"Yes, he pointed to you and himself and said 'I got two' and paid for both." she said as she put her hands up to her mouth. All I could do was look at her and then look out the door.  I wasn't sure what to do.  Do I run after him and thank him?  Obviously he wanted to do it anonymously or he wouldn't have walked out so fast. Do I try to pay anyway?  It was a very confusing moment.  I stood there dumbfounded. 
Then I smiled and said "Really?  Wow!  Thanks!"  (Which then I felt stupid because why was I thanking her?) 
She smiled and said "How nice!"
"I know!"  I replied and headed out the door to try to catch him and thank him.  By the time I got outside he was no where to be found.  I didn't even see him drive off.  It was like he disappeared.

I know it was God.  I mean, I know it wasn't actually God standing there wearing a brown checkered shirt and a green baseball cap talking his cell phone (or was it?).  But it was God working through this gentleman even if it was as small as just buying me a soda.  I have always heard of random acts of kindness. This was the first one to happen to me.  That man will never fully know the difference he made in my day.  He will never know how all the stress I woke up with this morning vanished in that moment.  He will never know I couldn't stop smiling the rest of the day.  He will never know that I will never forget him.

People, including myself, are so quick to be negative.  We are fast to complain, point out all the bad, and say there is no goodness left in this world.  We see the news and can't help but wonder if there is ANYTHING good left on Earth.  Then we get experience and share little glimpses of goodness.  We get true random acts of kindness that, for a moment take our breath away but, for a lifetime sustain our faith.

Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness.  Every act creates a ripple with no logical end. --Scott Adams