Decisions, decisions....

I hate big decisions.  I hate big decisions because I will never know how my other choice would have ended.   We always say "Oh, I should have done _________."  But would have doing the other thing really been better? 

I think it is so funny when I tell women about my breakup.  They say things like
"Oh if it were me I would have just up and left!" or
"Hell no! I wouldn't stand for it.  I would even talk to him again." or
 "I don't think I could ever be nice to him.  He would never see the kids again!"
or my favorite: "Why would you ever even consider getting back together with him?  I would never even consider it!"
I would like to see those women actually do what they claim. I used to be one of them.

It is not that easy.  It is not that easy to give up your relationship, your family, your friend, your partner, and your life.  It is not easy to make the decision to say enough is enough and I'm done.  It is hard to not go back to what is comfortable and easy and go on living your life the way it was before.  I'm not going to lie...sometimes I wish things were back to "normal".  Sometimes I wish I could go back to July 24th and just stay there.  I wish I could stay on the couch with my sister making wedding plans.  That is the last time my life made sense.  It is the last time I can remember that I wasn't on an emotional roller coaster that I seem to be taking out on my loved ones, especially Kamry.  It was the last time I can remember feeling truly 100% happy. 

I know Peter and I had a lot of issues.  But to tell you the truth, up until those last 3 months of our relationship, I was happy.  I had friends, family, and a future.  I knew what to expect and I had a routine.  We were doing more and more things a family typically does like paying off the bills to be able to make bigger purchases, planning vacations, and community involvement. It felt good.  I felt good.  

I'm guessing its not easy to chose the other side of the decision and decided to stay and work on your relationship either.  I'm guessing it has to be hard to stay in a relationship where you have been betrayed. It must be hard to have to look at them every day.  It has to be hard to wonder if they are where they say they are when they are not with you.  I know for sure I don't want that feeling.  I don't want a relationship without trust.

No, I guess I will never know the other side of my decisions.  I will never know what would have happened if I chose a college here in Texas instead of Iowa.  I will never know what would have happened if I went to medical school instead of a teaching college.  I will never know what would have happened if I never met Peter and had my beautiful daughter.  I'm OK with it though.  I realize that every decision I have made was meant to put me exactly where I am today because my life is God's plan.

However, I think every once in a while He forgets his planner.