What was I supposed to have?
Well, I supposed to have a husband who loved and adored me and I him. I was supposed to have 3 kids and live in a 4 bedroom, two bathroom, two-car garage house on some acreage in the country. I was supposed to be doing some amazing job in which I was influencing others and making a difference. I was supposed to be one of those really pretty, skinny, blonde moms with great style with pretty jewelry and big, flashy purses. I was supposed to making money to where I could buy anything I wanted at any time. I was supposed to be perfect...
As I sit here and feel sorry for myself and write this I realize that I do have what I'm supposed to have...just in different form. My new, favorite all-time movie is Under the Tuscan Sun. (I highly recommend it for anyone--especially women going through a tough time.) In this movie, Diane Lane (who by the way is a wonderful and beautiful actress) is blind-sided by a divorce and decides to go on trip to Italy. While there she finds this beautiful house and right then and there buys it with all that she has left, never to return to live in America. She ends up spending the next few months renovating the house and, really, renovating herself. At one point in the movie she is crying about her life and she says "I want a wedding in this house and a family in this house." And (without spoiling the ending too much) she gets exactly what wants. Just not in the way she thought she wanted it.
I DO have what I'm supposed to have. Just not in the way I wanted it. I have a family. Yea, its not 3 kids (yet) but I have 1 beautiful daughter, 3 1/2 (one is still cooking in the womb) nieces and nephews, 1 semi-stepson, and 9 8th graders. I have a home. Yea, its not a 4 bedroom house, but its a family-oriented apartment complex with two pools and a playground, 3 bedrooms and enough room to hold everything I want. I have a career. Many Americans can't say that. I have the most influential job known to man--I'm a teacher. Yea, its thankless most of the time and I cry a lot, but I know my kids love me and respect me. I know I'm making a difference, even if it is small. I have my health. Yea, I'm not super skinny but I have no major health issues and I'm capable of losing weight. I have clothes. Yea, I'm not super stylish, but I have plenty of clothes to wear and I've learned my style is all my own. I feel comfortable and most of the time, beautiful. I make money. I can put food on my table and pay my bills (for the most part).
So in the words of Frances (Diane Lane): "You're right...I got my wish. I got everything I asked for."
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