Opportunity

Recently I've been given some news that does not make me happy.    It is not my news to share so at this time I cannot.  But eventually it will come out and I think this post will be better understood by those who don't know yet.  This news has sealed my fate.  I have made a decision that I am going to stick with, yet I'm scare to death of it.

I'm struggling with the whole "You have to do what is best for you and Kamry" statement.  I don't like to hear that because the truth is I don't know what is best for me and Kamry.  I mean, I think I know and then I second guess my choices.  I've done a lot of praying but the answers aren't clear.  What is clear is that I am being given opportunities.  One of my favorite movies is Evan Almighty.  I love that movie for two reasons: 1) Morgan Freedman is the best God ever and 2) The "opportunity" line.  (I may have talked about this already but I just love it so much.)  In the movie the wife is upset over her husband's behavior.  God (Morgan Freedman) appears to her in a diner.  He tells her "Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?"  I've been noticing that what I've been praying for doesn't just come to me, but the opportunity to answer my prayers does.  Right now, at this very moment, I have an opportunity.  And I admit I'm scared to take it.  Because I don't know if it is what is best for me and Kamry. 

How do I look into Kamry's big, beautiful eyes and explain the choices I've made when she is old enough to understand? How do I explain why her daddy can't come home when she cries and says "I just want my daddy to come home!"  How do I explain to her that she isn't one of those lucky children who gets to grow up with both her mommy and daddy in her home?   How do I make her see she is loved by both her parents even though they don't always get along?  If anyone can tell me how to do it, please let me know.  Because I will tell you one thing...it BREAKS my heart.  I hate that I have to be the one to try to explain everything to her.  I really feel my heart literally breaking in two when those big, brown eyes are searching for answers in mine.  And when I cry she panics so I try really hard not to cry in front of her. Sometimes I just can't help it.

My opportunity is here.  I feel it is what is best for me and Kamry.  I just don't know if it is.  My biggest fear is that she will hate me for the choices I make.  I guess I just have to have faith in my choices, decisions, opportunities, prayers, and most of all, my daughter.