Broken...

Tonight Peter took Kamry to the Father/Daughter dance.  It was amazing!  She looked so beautiful in her dress.  I curled her hair (only burned her once!) and put on her make up.  She had a tiara and she truly looked like a little princess.

But it also broke my heart.  It broke my heart to have to wait for her daddy to come pick her up.  It broke my heart when the lady asked if we wanted to take a family picture we told her no.  It broke my heart when Kamry was trying to get Peter and I to kiss each other and we had to tell her no.  It broke my heart that when I met them at McDonald's after the dance and when I drove home she asked "Daddy is coming home too?" and I had to say "No, daddy has his own home now, remember?  Daddy doesn't live with us anymore." She asked "Oh. Why?"  It broke my heart that I avoided her question.

When Peter and I were together one of would hold Kamry and she would put her arms out and pull us into a family hug.  Then she would smush our heads together and say "Kiss!". I guess she remembers and tried to get us to do it again tonight.  It was awkward for a moment.  It makes me sad that she will never see her parents kiss.  Affection between parents is important for kids.

 I guess I should get over this "Kamry is not going to have the same two parents" mess, but right now I just can't.  I feel so sorry that I can't give her what I had growing up.  I feel so sorry that my daughter had to become a statistic.  Sometimes I think that is why I looked the other way for so long when deep down in my heart I knew Peter was up to something.  I wanted to give Kamry a whole family for as long as I could.

I know someday she will understand all of this.  I know my future is going to be lots of questions, tears, hurt, sadness, and laughter when it comes to Kamry and our family.  All I can do is make her broken family the best broken family ever.