Jealousy and Sticks

So I was driving Kamry home from camp yesterday when I got behind a minivan that had one of those stick figure families...a mom, a dad, three kids, and a dog.  I thought it was so sweet and cute. I can't wait to have a stick figure family on the back of my car.  Then I remembered a "funny" ecard I saw on Pinterest. It was that cat that has a really "blah" look on its face like it is frowning and it said something like "I hate your stick figure family."  It got me to thinking: Why do we do that?

Why do we put others down so quickly when they have something good?  Why do we make rude comments, ugly gestures, or say something to burst their bubble?  I hate, hate, hate those bumper stickers that say "My kid beat up your honor student!"  Why?  Because it is so mean.  You know that kid who is an honor student worked hard.  It is not easy being an honor student.  Many, many times just because you are an honor student, doesn't mean you are a genius.  It means you bust your butt.  To me, the family who has that bumper sticker is jealous.  And lazy.  They are too lazy to work with their kid to make them be the best they can be.  They pass on the idea of "lets bring others down to make ourselves feel better" to their children.

Philippians 2:3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.

The only conclusion I can come up with is jealousy.  Jealousy, to me, is the most evil of all emotions.  Not because it hurts other people, but because it hurts our inner self.  Think about it...when I am jealous of that mom who can afford to buy her kids everything they want who does it hurt?  That woman?  No.  She doesn't even know I am making comments in my head.  It only upsets me in my heart.  I am the one now criticizing my faults as a mother.  (And I don't even believe in buying my kids everything they want.  Just the thought that I can't and others can makes me jealous.)  I am the one hurting myself.  We are so busy trying to bring others down instead of working on building ourselves up.

James 3:16 For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.

To combat this I am trying to do the only thing I know how.  I am appreciating.  I appreciate the stick figure family and that they are together.  I appreciate my true friends (both old and new) who have stuck by me through some pretty difficult times.  I appreciate my family and all they have done to love and support me through every disappointment I have given them.  And most of all I appreciate myself.  I can do so many things that I never realized were actually my talents.  Because when I think of talents I think of singing, playing the violin, or drawing.  But the actual definition of talent is the natural endowments of a person so it is not restricted to the arts.    Maybe if we all paid attention to our own talents America wouldn't be so hateful. 

I'm not saying that we have to be super sappy and love everybody.  I'm just staying let us not destroy the stick figure families.  Because we all know that it is the little sticks working together that make up the beautiful forest.

Broken...

Tonight Peter took Kamry to the Father/Daughter dance.  It was amazing!  She looked so beautiful in her dress.  I curled her hair (only burned her once!) and put on her make up.  She had a tiara and she truly looked like a little princess.

But it also broke my heart.  It broke my heart to have to wait for her daddy to come pick her up.  It broke my heart when the lady asked if we wanted to take a family picture we told her no.  It broke my heart when Kamry was trying to get Peter and I to kiss each other and we had to tell her no.  It broke my heart that when I met them at McDonald's after the dance and when I drove home she asked "Daddy is coming home too?" and I had to say "No, daddy has his own home now, remember?  Daddy doesn't live with us anymore." She asked "Oh. Why?"  It broke my heart that I avoided her question.

When Peter and I were together one of would hold Kamry and she would put her arms out and pull us into a family hug.  Then she would smush our heads together and say "Kiss!". I guess she remembers and tried to get us to do it again tonight.  It was awkward for a moment.  It makes me sad that she will never see her parents kiss.  Affection between parents is important for kids.

 I guess I should get over this "Kamry is not going to have the same two parents" mess, but right now I just can't.  I feel so sorry that I can't give her what I had growing up.  I feel so sorry that my daughter had to become a statistic.  Sometimes I think that is why I looked the other way for so long when deep down in my heart I knew Peter was up to something.  I wanted to give Kamry a whole family for as long as I could.

I know someday she will understand all of this.  I know my future is going to be lots of questions, tears, hurt, sadness, and laughter when it comes to Kamry and our family.  All I can do is make her broken family the best broken family ever.

                                                                                

Opportunity

Recently I've been given some news that does not make me happy.    It is not my news to share so at this time I cannot.  But eventually it will come out and I think this post will be better understood by those who don't know yet.  This news has sealed my fate.  I have made a decision that I am going to stick with, yet I'm scare to death of it.

I'm struggling with the whole "You have to do what is best for you and Kamry" statement.  I don't like to hear that because the truth is I don't know what is best for me and Kamry.  I mean, I think I know and then I second guess my choices.  I've done a lot of praying but the answers aren't clear.  What is clear is that I am being given opportunities.  One of my favorite movies is Evan Almighty.  I love that movie for two reasons: 1) Morgan Freedman is the best God ever and 2) The "opportunity" line.  (I may have talked about this already but I just love it so much.)  In the movie the wife is upset over her husband's behavior.  God (Morgan Freedman) appears to her in a diner.  He tells her "Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?"  I've been noticing that what I've been praying for doesn't just come to me, but the opportunity to answer my prayers does.  Right now, at this very moment, I have an opportunity.  And I admit I'm scared to take it.  Because I don't know if it is what is best for me and Kamry. 

How do I look into Kamry's big, beautiful eyes and explain the choices I've made when she is old enough to understand? How do I explain why her daddy can't come home when she cries and says "I just want my daddy to come home!"  How do I explain to her that she isn't one of those lucky children who gets to grow up with both her mommy and daddy in her home?   How do I make her see she is loved by both her parents even though they don't always get along?  If anyone can tell me how to do it, please let me know.  Because I will tell you one thing...it BREAKS my heart.  I hate that I have to be the one to try to explain everything to her.  I really feel my heart literally breaking in two when those big, brown eyes are searching for answers in mine.  And when I cry she panics so I try really hard not to cry in front of her. Sometimes I just can't help it.

My opportunity is here.  I feel it is what is best for me and Kamry.  I just don't know if it is.  My biggest fear is that she will hate me for the choices I make.  I guess I just have to have faith in my choices, decisions, opportunities, prayers, and most of all, my daughter.