What do you do when everything, except your very life, has been sucked out of you? What do you when the passion you have felt for something for so long has slowly drained out of you like water from an overturned bucket? First a slow steady trickle and then it just drips, one drop at a time, until there is nothing left but an empty bucket...
What do you do when you have spent countless hours planning each lesson, penciling in those lesson plans only to change the next day because they day you just finished didn't quite work out the way you wanted? What do you do when you have spent countless Sundays up in your classroom, scrutinizing lesson plans that you think will work and then changing your mind because your just not sure if they will grasp that topic and you think you have found something better? So you throw all those papers away you just made copies of and start all over, even though you were almost done.
What do you do when you have attended numerous meetings, formal and informal, about a student who isn't succeeding? You have documented, and communicated with parents, and had heart-to-hearts with the student, and talked with other teachers, and made a plan, and then made a new plan, and then another new plan because the first two didn't work. Not because they were bad plans, but because the student forgot, or the student didn't complete what they were supposed to, or because the student didn't follow through with their part of the plan.
What do you do when you have spent three days on a topic, provided direct teach, provided guided practice, provided independent practice, provided examples, modeled, and done everything except do the work for them, and then it is time for them to finally complete the assignment alone and they look at you say "What are we supposed to do?"
What do you do when you have asked them, more than once, to stop holding their side conversations and complete their work that you have let them do in groups, with their friends, because you know that is one way they will be successful and they look at you and say "Mrs. Wagner, you really expect me to do this right now?" because they have looked at the clock and there is 20 minutes left in class? To them class is over.
What do you do when you have cried, both with colleagues and alone in your room at night, because you know this passion you had called teaching, is gone. It is gone and you no longer want to get out of bed because everything you do feels pointless.
What do you do?
You get up the next day and teach anyway.
Because I cannot not let go of that one little hope that I will reach at least one student in one tiny way and they will learn something they didn't know before. Even in an overturned bucket, there is a little puddle left in the way back that just can't reach the edge...
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Spring
Why are we so afraid to start over?
I began thinking about this yesterday as I was driving to meet a friend. I know numerous people who are going through some tough times in their lives and they are going to have to start over...like I did two years ago. In talking with them and their comments about "Now I have to start over" I thought---why is that a bad thing?
We look at starting over as such a negative thing. My students can't stand not getting it "right" the first time so most of the time they won't even try. Projects, businesses, relationships all have this pressure to work perfectly the first time. Yet, how many times do people say "If I had the chance to do it all over again..."? Where would we be if people like Thomas Edison, Abraham Lincoln, Michael Jordan, and the hundreds of others that have changed the world for us had never started over? (And they had to start over hundreds of times!)
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
The Earth starts over every year at this time. We look at spring as a new beginning, a fresh start after a bleak winter. Maybe we should start looking at failures the same way. Sure, we have to go through the depression, the hurt, and worse, the uncertainty of what the future holds. But instead of saying "I HAVE to start over" lets say "I GET to start over." Lets count ourselves lucky and embrace it as something that sometimes others don't get--a second chance. I know I'm going to try hard to think this way.
Enjoy your spring. For in life, it doesn't always come more than once.
I began thinking about this yesterday as I was driving to meet a friend. I know numerous people who are going through some tough times in their lives and they are going to have to start over...like I did two years ago. In talking with them and their comments about "Now I have to start over" I thought---why is that a bad thing?
We look at starting over as such a negative thing. My students can't stand not getting it "right" the first time so most of the time they won't even try. Projects, businesses, relationships all have this pressure to work perfectly the first time. Yet, how many times do people say "If I had the chance to do it all over again..."? Where would we be if people like Thomas Edison, Abraham Lincoln, Michael Jordan, and the hundreds of others that have changed the world for us had never started over? (And they had to start over hundreds of times!)
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
The Earth starts over every year at this time. We look at spring as a new beginning, a fresh start after a bleak winter. Maybe we should start looking at failures the same way. Sure, we have to go through the depression, the hurt, and worse, the uncertainty of what the future holds. But instead of saying "I HAVE to start over" lets say "I GET to start over." Lets count ourselves lucky and embrace it as something that sometimes others don't get--a second chance. I know I'm going to try hard to think this way.
Enjoy your spring. For in life, it doesn't always come more than once.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Home
Its been a really long time since I've written (June) and so much has happened since then. I was able to get a job in my hometown and move back. And it has been the best decision of my life.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6
The number one reason I moved home was to be closer to my family. I wanted to be able to call up my mom and dad when I needed help with something. I don't feel guilty asking them for assistance like I did asking friends to help me out in San Marcos. Even though I know my friends were always glad to help, there is just this guilty feeling I have when asking friends for help with my kids. And Kamry's dad did help me out tremendously but the times he had to work I was usually stuck.
The second reason I chose to move home was because I had such a wonderful childhood growing up in La Grange. I really wanted to give Kamry the same experience. The school spirit, the town pride, and the people here really makes this the best little town in Texas...at least I think so. Sure, it is not perfect, and it has small town drama, but overall its a great place to live.
I did meet some opposition from Kamry's dad about moving. And rightly so. I would be sad if she moved away from me. But I had to do what I felt was best for Kamry and I. Plus, the more I thought about it, the more I realized we were in his hometown near his family. And that is where he wants to be. So he couldn't really argue with me when I told him I wanted to the same thing. So far things are working really well. The drive to Bastrop every other week is a little tiring, but not bad. And I know we both miss her when she is with the other parent.
Miranda Lambert sings about how "they say you can't go home again". In her song she talking about how she went home anyway to try fix herself by going back to her roots when she felt like a whole person. That is EXACTLY how I feel. Yes, you can go home again. And you know what the most amazing thing about going home is? It welcomes you with smile, some homemade food, and open arms. Home doesn't care that you left. Home doesn't care you made mistakes. And Home doesn't really care that you aren't perfect. Home loves you for who you are. Home is just glad you came home.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6
The number one reason I moved home was to be closer to my family. I wanted to be able to call up my mom and dad when I needed help with something. I don't feel guilty asking them for assistance like I did asking friends to help me out in San Marcos. Even though I know my friends were always glad to help, there is just this guilty feeling I have when asking friends for help with my kids. And Kamry's dad did help me out tremendously but the times he had to work I was usually stuck.
The second reason I chose to move home was because I had such a wonderful childhood growing up in La Grange. I really wanted to give Kamry the same experience. The school spirit, the town pride, and the people here really makes this the best little town in Texas...at least I think so. Sure, it is not perfect, and it has small town drama, but overall its a great place to live.I did meet some opposition from Kamry's dad about moving. And rightly so. I would be sad if she moved away from me. But I had to do what I felt was best for Kamry and I. Plus, the more I thought about it, the more I realized we were in his hometown near his family. And that is where he wants to be. So he couldn't really argue with me when I told him I wanted to the same thing. So far things are working really well. The drive to Bastrop every other week is a little tiring, but not bad. And I know we both miss her when she is with the other parent.
Miranda Lambert sings about how "they say you can't go home again". In her song she talking about how she went home anyway to try fix herself by going back to her roots when she felt like a whole person. That is EXACTLY how I feel. Yes, you can go home again. And you know what the most amazing thing about going home is? It welcomes you with smile, some homemade food, and open arms. Home doesn't care that you left. Home doesn't care you made mistakes. And Home doesn't really care that you aren't perfect. Home loves you for who you are. Home is just glad you came home.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Jealousy and Sticks
So I was driving Kamry home from camp yesterday when I got behind a minivan that had one of those stick figure families...a mom, a dad, three kids, and a dog. I thought it was so sweet and cute. I can't wait to have a stick figure family on the back of my car. Then I remembered a "funny" ecard I saw on Pinterest. It was that cat that has a really "blah" look on its face like it is frowning and it said something like "I hate your stick figure family." It got me to thinking: Why do we do that?
Why do we put others down so quickly when they have something good? Why do we make rude comments, ugly gestures, or say something to burst their bubble? I hate, hate, hate those bumper stickers that say "My kid beat up your honor student!" Why? Because it is so mean. You know that kid who is an honor student worked hard. It is not easy being an honor student. Many, many times just because you are an honor student, doesn't mean you are a genius. It means you bust your butt. To me, the family who has that bumper sticker is jealous. And lazy. They are too lazy to work with their kid to make them be the best they can be. They pass on the idea of "lets bring others down to make ourselves feel better" to their children.
The only conclusion I can come up with is jealousy. Jealousy, to me, is the most evil of all emotions. Not because it hurts other people, but because it hurts our inner self. Think about it...when I am jealous of that mom who can afford to buy her kids everything they want who does it hurt? That woman? No. She doesn't even know I am making comments in my head. It only upsets me in my heart. I am the one now criticizing my faults as a mother. (And I don't even believe in buying my kids everything they want. Just the thought that I can't and others can makes me jealous.) I am the one hurting myself. We are so busy trying to bring others down instead of working on building ourselves up.
To combat this I am trying to do the only thing I know how. I am appreciating. I appreciate the stick figure family and that they are together. I appreciate my true friends (both old and new) who have stuck by me through some pretty difficult times. I appreciate my family and all they have done to love and support me through every disappointment I have given them. And most of all I appreciate myself. I can do so many things that I never realized were actually my talents. Because when I think of talents I think of singing, playing the violin, or drawing. But the actual definition of talent is the natural endowments of a person so it is not restricted to the arts. Maybe if we all paid attention to our own talents America wouldn't be so hateful.
I'm not saying that we have to be super sappy and love everybody. I'm just staying let us not destroy the stick figure families. Because we all know that it is the little sticks working together that make up the beautiful forest.
Why do we put others down so quickly when they have something good? Why do we make rude comments, ugly gestures, or say something to burst their bubble? I hate, hate, hate those bumper stickers that say "My kid beat up your honor student!" Why? Because it is so mean. You know that kid who is an honor student worked hard. It is not easy being an honor student. Many, many times just because you are an honor student, doesn't mean you are a genius. It means you bust your butt. To me, the family who has that bumper sticker is jealous. And lazy. They are too lazy to work with their kid to make them be the best they can be. They pass on the idea of "lets bring others down to make ourselves feel better" to their children.
Philippians 2:3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.
The only conclusion I can come up with is jealousy. Jealousy, to me, is the most evil of all emotions. Not because it hurts other people, but because it hurts our inner self. Think about it...when I am jealous of that mom who can afford to buy her kids everything they want who does it hurt? That woman? No. She doesn't even know I am making comments in my head. It only upsets me in my heart. I am the one now criticizing my faults as a mother. (And I don't even believe in buying my kids everything they want. Just the thought that I can't and others can makes me jealous.) I am the one hurting myself. We are so busy trying to bring others down instead of working on building ourselves up.
James 3:16 For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.
To combat this I am trying to do the only thing I know how. I am appreciating. I appreciate the stick figure family and that they are together. I appreciate my true friends (both old and new) who have stuck by me through some pretty difficult times. I appreciate my family and all they have done to love and support me through every disappointment I have given them. And most of all I appreciate myself. I can do so many things that I never realized were actually my talents. Because when I think of talents I think of singing, playing the violin, or drawing. But the actual definition of talent is the natural endowments of a person so it is not restricted to the arts. Maybe if we all paid attention to our own talents America wouldn't be so hateful.
I'm not saying that we have to be super sappy and love everybody. I'm just staying let us not destroy the stick figure families. Because we all know that it is the little sticks working together that make up the beautiful forest.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Broken...
Tonight Peter took Kamry to the Father/Daughter dance. It was amazing! She looked so beautiful in her dress. I curled her hair (only burned her once!) and put on her make up. She had a tiara and she truly looked like a little princess.
But it also broke my heart. It broke my heart to have to wait for her daddy to come pick her up. It broke my heart when the lady asked if we wanted to take a family picture we told her no. It broke my heart when Kamry was trying to get Peter and I to kiss each other and we had to tell her no. It broke my heart that when I met them at McDonald's after the dance and when I drove home she asked "Daddy is coming home too?" and I had to say "No, daddy has his own home now, remember? Daddy doesn't live with us anymore." She asked "Oh. Why?" It broke my heart that I avoided her question.
When Peter and I were together one of would hold Kamry and she would put her arms out and pull us into a family hug. Then she would smush our heads together and say "Kiss!". I guess she remembers and tried to get us to do it again tonight. It was awkward for a moment. It makes me sad that she will never see her parents kiss. Affection between parents is important for kids.
I guess I should get over this "Kamry is not going to have the same two parents" mess, but right now I just can't. I feel so sorry that I can't give her what I had growing up. I feel so sorry that my daughter had to become a statistic. Sometimes I think that is why I looked the other way for so long when deep down in my heart I knew Peter was up to something. I wanted to give Kamry a whole family for as long as I could.
I know someday she will understand all of this. I know my future is going to be lots of questions, tears, hurt, sadness, and laughter when it comes to Kamry and our family. All I can do is make her broken family the best broken family ever.
But it also broke my heart. It broke my heart to have to wait for her daddy to come pick her up. It broke my heart when the lady asked if we wanted to take a family picture we told her no. It broke my heart when Kamry was trying to get Peter and I to kiss each other and we had to tell her no. It broke my heart that when I met them at McDonald's after the dance and when I drove home she asked "Daddy is coming home too?" and I had to say "No, daddy has his own home now, remember? Daddy doesn't live with us anymore." She asked "Oh. Why?" It broke my heart that I avoided her question.
When Peter and I were together one of would hold Kamry and she would put her arms out and pull us into a family hug. Then she would smush our heads together and say "Kiss!". I guess she remembers and tried to get us to do it again tonight. It was awkward for a moment. It makes me sad that she will never see her parents kiss. Affection between parents is important for kids.
I know someday she will understand all of this. I know my future is going to be lots of questions, tears, hurt, sadness, and laughter when it comes to Kamry and our family. All I can do is make her broken family the best broken family ever.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Opportunity
Recently I've been given some news that does not make me happy. It is not my news to share so at this time I cannot. But eventually it will come out and I think this post will be better understood by those who don't know yet. This news has sealed my fate. I have made a decision that I am going to stick with, yet I'm scare to death of it.
I'm struggling with the whole "You have to do what is best for you and Kamry" statement. I don't like to hear that because the truth is I don't know what is best for me and Kamry. I mean, I think I know and then I second guess my choices. I've done a lot of praying but the answers aren't clear. What is clear is that I am being given opportunities. One of my favorite movies is Evan Almighty. I love that movie for two reasons: 1) Morgan Freedman is the best God ever and 2) The "opportunity" line. (I may have talked about this already but I just love it so much.) In the movie the wife is upset over her husband's behavior. God (Morgan Freedman) appears to her in a diner. He tells her "Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?" I've been noticing that what I've been praying for doesn't just come to me, but the opportunity to answer my prayers does. Right now, at this very moment, I have an opportunity. And I admit I'm scared to take it. Because I don't know if it is what is best for me and Kamry.
How do I look into Kamry's big, beautiful eyes and explain the choices I've made when she is old enough to understand? How do I explain why her daddy can't come home when she cries and says "I just want my daddy to come home!" How do I explain to her that she isn't one of those lucky children who gets to grow up with both her mommy and daddy in her home? How do I make her see she is loved by both her parents even though they don't always get along? If anyone can tell me how to do it, please let me know. Because I will tell you one thing...it BREAKS my heart. I hate that I have to be the one to try to explain everything to her. I really feel my heart literally breaking in two when those big, brown eyes are searching for answers in mine. And when I cry she panics so I try really hard not to cry in front of her. Sometimes I just can't help it.
My opportunity is here. I feel it is what is best for me and Kamry. I just don't know if it is. My biggest fear is that she will hate me for the choices I make. I guess I just have to have faith in my choices, decisions, opportunities, prayers, and most of all, my daughter.
I'm struggling with the whole "You have to do what is best for you and Kamry" statement. I don't like to hear that because the truth is I don't know what is best for me and Kamry. I mean, I think I know and then I second guess my choices. I've done a lot of praying but the answers aren't clear. What is clear is that I am being given opportunities. One of my favorite movies is Evan Almighty. I love that movie for two reasons: 1) Morgan Freedman is the best God ever and 2) The "opportunity" line. (I may have talked about this already but I just love it so much.) In the movie the wife is upset over her husband's behavior. God (Morgan Freedman) appears to her in a diner. He tells her "Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?" I've been noticing that what I've been praying for doesn't just come to me, but the opportunity to answer my prayers does. Right now, at this very moment, I have an opportunity. And I admit I'm scared to take it. Because I don't know if it is what is best for me and Kamry.
My opportunity is here. I feel it is what is best for me and Kamry. I just don't know if it is. My biggest fear is that she will hate me for the choices I make. I guess I just have to have faith in my choices, decisions, opportunities, prayers, and most of all, my daughter.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Imperfection is perfect...
My life wasn't supposed to turn out this way. I wasn't supposed to be a teacher. I wasn't supposed to be a single mom, 32, living in an apartment, and working at a job that frustrates me to point of tears over and over again. I wasn't supposed to be overweight and I wasn't supposed to be broke 99% of the time.
What was I supposed to have?
Well, I supposed to have a husband who loved and adored me and I him. I was supposed to have 3 kids and live in a 4 bedroom, two bathroom, two-car garage house on some acreage in the country. I was supposed to be doing some amazing job in which I was influencing others and making a difference. I was supposed to be one of those really pretty, skinny, blonde moms with great style with pretty jewelry and big, flashy purses. I was supposed to making money to where I could buy anything I wanted at any time. I was supposed to be perfect...
As I sit here and feel sorry for myself and write this I realize that I do have what I'm supposed to have...just in different form. My new, favorite all-time movie is Under the Tuscan Sun. (I highly recommend it for anyone--especially women going through a tough time.) In this movie, Diane Lane (who by the way is a wonderful and beautiful actress) is blind-sided by a divorce and decides to go on trip to Italy. While there she finds this beautiful house and right then and there buys it with all that she has left, never to return to live in America. She ends up spending the next few months renovating the house and, really, renovating herself. At one point in the movie she is crying about her life and she says "I want a wedding in this house and a family in this house." And (without spoiling the ending too much) she gets exactly what wants. Just not in the way she thought she wanted it.
I DO have what I'm supposed to have. Just not in the way I wanted it. I have a family. Yea, its not 3 kids (yet) but I have 1 beautiful daughter, 3 1/2 (one is still cooking in the womb) nieces and nephews, 1 semi-stepson, and 9 8th graders. I have a home. Yea, its not a 4 bedroom house, but its a family-oriented apartment complex with two pools and a playground, 3 bedrooms and enough room to hold everything I want. I have a career. Many Americans can't say that. I have the most influential job known to man--I'm a teacher. Yea, its thankless most of the time and I cry a lot, but I know my kids love me and respect me. I know I'm making a difference, even if it is small. I have my health. Yea, I'm not super skinny but I have no major health issues and I'm capable of losing weight. I have clothes. Yea, I'm not super stylish, but I have plenty of clothes to wear and I've learned my style is all my own. I feel comfortable and most of the time, beautiful. I make money. I can put food on my table and pay my bills (for the most part).
So in the words of Frances (Diane Lane): "You're right...I got my wish. I got everything I asked for."
What was I supposed to have?
Well, I supposed to have a husband who loved and adored me and I him. I was supposed to have 3 kids and live in a 4 bedroom, two bathroom, two-car garage house on some acreage in the country. I was supposed to be doing some amazing job in which I was influencing others and making a difference. I was supposed to be one of those really pretty, skinny, blonde moms with great style with pretty jewelry and big, flashy purses. I was supposed to making money to where I could buy anything I wanted at any time. I was supposed to be perfect...
As I sit here and feel sorry for myself and write this I realize that I do have what I'm supposed to have...just in different form. My new, favorite all-time movie is Under the Tuscan Sun. (I highly recommend it for anyone--especially women going through a tough time.) In this movie, Diane Lane (who by the way is a wonderful and beautiful actress) is blind-sided by a divorce and decides to go on trip to Italy. While there she finds this beautiful house and right then and there buys it with all that she has left, never to return to live in America. She ends up spending the next few months renovating the house and, really, renovating herself. At one point in the movie she is crying about her life and she says "I want a wedding in this house and a family in this house." And (without spoiling the ending too much) she gets exactly what wants. Just not in the way she thought she wanted it.
I DO have what I'm supposed to have. Just not in the way I wanted it. I have a family. Yea, its not 3 kids (yet) but I have 1 beautiful daughter, 3 1/2 (one is still cooking in the womb) nieces and nephews, 1 semi-stepson, and 9 8th graders. I have a home. Yea, its not a 4 bedroom house, but its a family-oriented apartment complex with two pools and a playground, 3 bedrooms and enough room to hold everything I want. I have a career. Many Americans can't say that. I have the most influential job known to man--I'm a teacher. Yea, its thankless most of the time and I cry a lot, but I know my kids love me and respect me. I know I'm making a difference, even if it is small. I have my health. Yea, I'm not super skinny but I have no major health issues and I'm capable of losing weight. I have clothes. Yea, I'm not super stylish, but I have plenty of clothes to wear and I've learned my style is all my own. I feel comfortable and most of the time, beautiful. I make money. I can put food on my table and pay my bills (for the most part).
So in the words of Frances (Diane Lane): "You're right...I got my wish. I got everything I asked for."
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