Jealousy and Sticks

So I was driving Kamry home from camp yesterday when I got behind a minivan that had one of those stick figure families...a mom, a dad, three kids, and a dog.  I thought it was so sweet and cute. I can't wait to have a stick figure family on the back of my car.  Then I remembered a "funny" ecard I saw on Pinterest. It was that cat that has a really "blah" look on its face like it is frowning and it said something like "I hate your stick figure family."  It got me to thinking: Why do we do that?

Why do we put others down so quickly when they have something good?  Why do we make rude comments, ugly gestures, or say something to burst their bubble?  I hate, hate, hate those bumper stickers that say "My kid beat up your honor student!"  Why?  Because it is so mean.  You know that kid who is an honor student worked hard.  It is not easy being an honor student.  Many, many times just because you are an honor student, doesn't mean you are a genius.  It means you bust your butt.  To me, the family who has that bumper sticker is jealous.  And lazy.  They are too lazy to work with their kid to make them be the best they can be.  They pass on the idea of "lets bring others down to make ourselves feel better" to their children.

Philippians 2:3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.

The only conclusion I can come up with is jealousy.  Jealousy, to me, is the most evil of all emotions.  Not because it hurts other people, but because it hurts our inner self.  Think about it...when I am jealous of that mom who can afford to buy her kids everything they want who does it hurt?  That woman?  No.  She doesn't even know I am making comments in my head.  It only upsets me in my heart.  I am the one now criticizing my faults as a mother.  (And I don't even believe in buying my kids everything they want.  Just the thought that I can't and others can makes me jealous.)  I am the one hurting myself.  We are so busy trying to bring others down instead of working on building ourselves up.

James 3:16 For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.

To combat this I am trying to do the only thing I know how.  I am appreciating.  I appreciate the stick figure family and that they are together.  I appreciate my true friends (both old and new) who have stuck by me through some pretty difficult times.  I appreciate my family and all they have done to love and support me through every disappointment I have given them.  And most of all I appreciate myself.  I can do so many things that I never realized were actually my talents.  Because when I think of talents I think of singing, playing the violin, or drawing.  But the actual definition of talent is the natural endowments of a person so it is not restricted to the arts.    Maybe if we all paid attention to our own talents America wouldn't be so hateful. 

I'm not saying that we have to be super sappy and love everybody.  I'm just staying let us not destroy the stick figure families.  Because we all know that it is the little sticks working together that make up the beautiful forest.

Broken...

Tonight Peter took Kamry to the Father/Daughter dance.  It was amazing!  She looked so beautiful in her dress.  I curled her hair (only burned her once!) and put on her make up.  She had a tiara and she truly looked like a little princess.

But it also broke my heart.  It broke my heart to have to wait for her daddy to come pick her up.  It broke my heart when the lady asked if we wanted to take a family picture we told her no.  It broke my heart when Kamry was trying to get Peter and I to kiss each other and we had to tell her no.  It broke my heart that when I met them at McDonald's after the dance and when I drove home she asked "Daddy is coming home too?" and I had to say "No, daddy has his own home now, remember?  Daddy doesn't live with us anymore." She asked "Oh. Why?"  It broke my heart that I avoided her question.

When Peter and I were together one of would hold Kamry and she would put her arms out and pull us into a family hug.  Then she would smush our heads together and say "Kiss!". I guess she remembers and tried to get us to do it again tonight.  It was awkward for a moment.  It makes me sad that she will never see her parents kiss.  Affection between parents is important for kids.

 I guess I should get over this "Kamry is not going to have the same two parents" mess, but right now I just can't.  I feel so sorry that I can't give her what I had growing up.  I feel so sorry that my daughter had to become a statistic.  Sometimes I think that is why I looked the other way for so long when deep down in my heart I knew Peter was up to something.  I wanted to give Kamry a whole family for as long as I could.

I know someday she will understand all of this.  I know my future is going to be lots of questions, tears, hurt, sadness, and laughter when it comes to Kamry and our family.  All I can do is make her broken family the best broken family ever.

                                                                                

Opportunity

Recently I've been given some news that does not make me happy.    It is not my news to share so at this time I cannot.  But eventually it will come out and I think this post will be better understood by those who don't know yet.  This news has sealed my fate.  I have made a decision that I am going to stick with, yet I'm scare to death of it.

I'm struggling with the whole "You have to do what is best for you and Kamry" statement.  I don't like to hear that because the truth is I don't know what is best for me and Kamry.  I mean, I think I know and then I second guess my choices.  I've done a lot of praying but the answers aren't clear.  What is clear is that I am being given opportunities.  One of my favorite movies is Evan Almighty.  I love that movie for two reasons: 1) Morgan Freedman is the best God ever and 2) The "opportunity" line.  (I may have talked about this already but I just love it so much.)  In the movie the wife is upset over her husband's behavior.  God (Morgan Freedman) appears to her in a diner.  He tells her "Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?"  I've been noticing that what I've been praying for doesn't just come to me, but the opportunity to answer my prayers does.  Right now, at this very moment, I have an opportunity.  And I admit I'm scared to take it.  Because I don't know if it is what is best for me and Kamry. 

How do I look into Kamry's big, beautiful eyes and explain the choices I've made when she is old enough to understand? How do I explain why her daddy can't come home when she cries and says "I just want my daddy to come home!"  How do I explain to her that she isn't one of those lucky children who gets to grow up with both her mommy and daddy in her home?   How do I make her see she is loved by both her parents even though they don't always get along?  If anyone can tell me how to do it, please let me know.  Because I will tell you one thing...it BREAKS my heart.  I hate that I have to be the one to try to explain everything to her.  I really feel my heart literally breaking in two when those big, brown eyes are searching for answers in mine.  And when I cry she panics so I try really hard not to cry in front of her. Sometimes I just can't help it.

My opportunity is here.  I feel it is what is best for me and Kamry.  I just don't know if it is.  My biggest fear is that she will hate me for the choices I make.  I guess I just have to have faith in my choices, decisions, opportunities, prayers, and most of all, my daughter.

Imperfection is perfect...

My life wasn't supposed to turn out this way.  I wasn't supposed to be a teacher.  I wasn't supposed to be a single mom, 32, living in an apartment, and working at a job that frustrates me to point of tears over and over again.  I wasn't supposed to be overweight and I wasn't supposed to be broke 99% of the time.

What was I supposed to have?

Well, I supposed to have a husband who loved and adored me and I him.  I was supposed to have 3 kids and live in a 4 bedroom, two bathroom, two-car garage house on some acreage in the country.  I was supposed to be doing some amazing job in which I was influencing others and making a difference.  I was supposed to be one of those really pretty, skinny, blonde moms with great style with pretty jewelry and big, flashy purses.  I was supposed to making money to where I could buy anything I wanted at any time.  I was supposed to be perfect...

As I sit here and feel sorry for myself and write this I realize that I do have what I'm supposed to have...just in different form.  My new, favorite all-time movie is Under the Tuscan Sun.  (I highly recommend it for anyone--especially women going through a tough time.)  In this movie, Diane Lane (who by the way is a wonderful and beautiful actress) is blind-sided by a divorce and decides to go on trip to Italy.  While there she finds this beautiful house and right then and there buys it with all that she has left, never to return to live in America.  She ends up spending the next few months renovating the house and, really, renovating herself.  At one point in the movie she is crying about her life and she says "I want a wedding in this house and a family in this house."  And (without spoiling the ending too much) she gets exactly what wants.  Just not in the way she thought she wanted it.

I DO have what I'm supposed to have.  Just not in the way I wanted it.  I have a family.  Yea, its not 3 kids (yet) but I have 1 beautiful daughter, 3 1/2 (one is still cooking in the womb) nieces and nephews, 1 semi-stepson, and 9 8th graders.  I have a home.  Yea, its not a 4 bedroom house, but its a family-oriented apartment complex with two pools and a playground, 3 bedrooms and enough room to hold everything I want.  I have a career. Many Americans can't say that.  I have the most influential job known to man--I'm a teacher.  Yea, its thankless most of the time and I cry a lot, but I know my kids love me and respect me.  I know I'm making a difference, even if it is small.  I have my health.  Yea, I'm not super skinny but I have no major health issues and I'm capable of losing weight.  I have clothes.  Yea, I'm not super stylish, but I have plenty of clothes to wear and I've learned my style is all my own.  I feel comfortable and most of the time, beautiful.    I make money.  I can put food on my table and pay my bills (for the most part).

So in the words of Frances (Diane Lane): "You're right...I got my wish.  I got everything I asked for."

Decisions, decisions....

I hate big decisions.  I hate big decisions because I will never know how my other choice would have ended.   We always say "Oh, I should have done _________."  But would have doing the other thing really been better? 

I think it is so funny when I tell women about my breakup.  They say things like
"Oh if it were me I would have just up and left!" or
"Hell no! I wouldn't stand for it.  I would even talk to him again." or
 "I don't think I could ever be nice to him.  He would never see the kids again!"
or my favorite: "Why would you ever even consider getting back together with him?  I would never even consider it!"
I would like to see those women actually do what they claim. I used to be one of them.

It is not that easy.  It is not that easy to give up your relationship, your family, your friend, your partner, and your life.  It is not easy to make the decision to say enough is enough and I'm done.  It is hard to not go back to what is comfortable and easy and go on living your life the way it was before.  I'm not going to lie...sometimes I wish things were back to "normal".  Sometimes I wish I could go back to July 24th and just stay there.  I wish I could stay on the couch with my sister making wedding plans.  That is the last time my life made sense.  It is the last time I can remember that I wasn't on an emotional roller coaster that I seem to be taking out on my loved ones, especially Kamry.  It was the last time I can remember feeling truly 100% happy. 

I know Peter and I had a lot of issues.  But to tell you the truth, up until those last 3 months of our relationship, I was happy.  I had friends, family, and a future.  I knew what to expect and I had a routine.  We were doing more and more things a family typically does like paying off the bills to be able to make bigger purchases, planning vacations, and community involvement. It felt good.  I felt good.  

I'm guessing its not easy to chose the other side of the decision and decided to stay and work on your relationship either.  I'm guessing it has to be hard to stay in a relationship where you have been betrayed. It must be hard to have to look at them every day.  It has to be hard to wonder if they are where they say they are when they are not with you.  I know for sure I don't want that feeling.  I don't want a relationship without trust.

No, I guess I will never know the other side of my decisions.  I will never know what would have happened if I chose a college here in Texas instead of Iowa.  I will never know what would have happened if I went to medical school instead of a teaching college.  I will never know what would have happened if I never met Peter and had my beautiful daughter.  I'm OK with it though.  I realize that every decision I have made was meant to put me exactly where I am today because my life is God's plan.

However, I think every once in a while He forgets his planner.

Random Acts of Kindness

Today I had something really awesome happen to me.  (For those of you who have my Facebook sorry to repeat the story.)

I stopped at my regular convenient store to buy my morning Coke Zero.  The line was several people long and there was an older gentleman in front of me.  He was wearing a brown checkered shirt and I believe he had on a green baseball cap.  His phone rang and as he stepped aside to answer it he told me "Go ahead." 
I said "Oh, thank you!" and stepped forward.  The store has just put up a display of Beanie Babies and I got distracted by them.  (I was picking out which ones would be good for my family members and thinking I would have to bring some money to buy them.)
I heard the store clerk say "Next!" and I started to step forward.  The green cap gentleman had walked around behind me and stepped up.  I just shrugged and went back to looking at the Beanie Babies while I waited my turn.  I heard him having a conversation with the woman behind the counter but I wasn't paying much attention.  He paid and left.  I stepped up and put my drink down. 
The woman said "You weren't with him?" 
"No." 
"Oh!  He paid for your drink!" she exclaimed.
I was stunned.  "What? Seriously? What do you mean?" 
"Yes, he pointed to you and himself and said 'I got two' and paid for both." she said as she put her hands up to her mouth. All I could do was look at her and then look out the door.  I wasn't sure what to do.  Do I run after him and thank him?  Obviously he wanted to do it anonymously or he wouldn't have walked out so fast. Do I try to pay anyway?  It was a very confusing moment.  I stood there dumbfounded. 
Then I smiled and said "Really?  Wow!  Thanks!"  (Which then I felt stupid because why was I thanking her?) 
She smiled and said "How nice!"
"I know!"  I replied and headed out the door to try to catch him and thank him.  By the time I got outside he was no where to be found.  I didn't even see him drive off.  It was like he disappeared.

I know it was God.  I mean, I know it wasn't actually God standing there wearing a brown checkered shirt and a green baseball cap talking his cell phone (or was it?).  But it was God working through this gentleman even if it was as small as just buying me a soda.  I have always heard of random acts of kindness. This was the first one to happen to me.  That man will never fully know the difference he made in my day.  He will never know how all the stress I woke up with this morning vanished in that moment.  He will never know I couldn't stop smiling the rest of the day.  He will never know that I will never forget him.

People, including myself, are so quick to be negative.  We are fast to complain, point out all the bad, and say there is no goodness left in this world.  We see the news and can't help but wonder if there is ANYTHING good left on Earth.  Then we get experience and share little glimpses of goodness.  We get true random acts of kindness that, for a moment take our breath away but, for a lifetime sustain our faith.

Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness.  Every act creates a ripple with no logical end. --Scott Adams

Because Nice Matters

I don't believe nice guys finish last because nice guys always seem to end up the happiest.  How many times have you heard someone say at a funeral "Oh he was the meanest person and so ugly to others, but he had a good life."?

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:31-32

I've been told all my life that I'm nice.  I've been told that I'm the nicest person you will ever meet.  I very rarely have people who don't like me (at least that I know of) and it really bothers me when I know someone doesn't.  I know I should have that "I don't care what people think about me" attitude, but I don't.  I am always thinking of what can I do to help someone, or make life easier, or be a person that other people like.  I hate confrontation and don't see a need for it unless its absolutely necessary. 

I've also been told on several occasions that I'm too nice.  I've been told that I need to change who I am so I stop getting hurt.  I need to be meaner, tougher, and more bitchy.  People would tell me "Why are you so nice?  Don't be so nice!  You need to be a B--".  For awhile I thought maybe these people were right.  Maybe I needed to start being one of those mean, crazy girls who treat their man and others like @$*#.  Maybe I need to start adding more drama to my life so others don't take advantage.  And for a short time I was seriously considering a change.  But then I went to a store with my dad and found a sign that summed it all up for me: "Because Nice Matters."

I believe being nice matters.  Today I think it is hard to find truly nice people.  It is rare.  I see my niceness as a strength.  I see that being nice means I am actually stronger than people who are what I call "abrasive". I do not have to hide my feelings behind a personality that shows I'm a "tough guy".  I have no problem being vulnerable.

People ask why I am so nice to Peter after all he has done to hurt me.  And here is the reason: I see no need to be mean.  What's done is done.  We are over.  I do not see how having a lot of drama between the two of us is going to make a good life for Kamry.  I am always thinking of the future and I know Peter.  If I am nice to him, he will be nice to me.  I want to get along with Peter especially after I have seen what Josiah has gone through.  I have seen what parents who are not nice to each other does to a child. It is the last thing I want for my daughter.  I do not want her to cry every time she sees her dad.  I do not want her to not want to be with him.  Research has shown how important a dad is to a child's well-being and self-esteem.  Kamry and Peter have a wonderful relationship.  I would never want to jeopardize my daughter's psychological well-being for my selfish satisfactions.

I refuse to change who I am for someone else.  I refuse to give up being nice to others even if it means I suffer from others' meanness.  I do not believe that I have to be a bitch to have a man love me. I believe the man who truly loves me will love the fact that I am so nice.  He will not see it as way to control or manipulate me, but as a strength I have.  I refuse to stop being nice because I believe nice matters.