Double Woman

This blog is probably my most sensitive blog yet.  I've been avoiding writing it because its going to force me to really put myself out there.  I chose to use the term "Double Woman" in my title because I am overweight.

I am overweight.  There.  I said it. Whew!

I know what you may be thinking...Rhea, you are just now figuring out you are overweight?  But you have been overweight for years!  I've known I'm overweight.  I've never admitted to myself that I'm overweight.

I avoid mirrors and pictures that show below the shoulder area.  I've trained myself to avoid looking at my whole self in the mirror--I only look at my face.  I do not go down the mirror isle at Hobby Lobby, or Walmart or anywhere else.  I don't look at my reflection in store doors.  I stretch my neck in pictures so you can't see my double chin.  I sit with something on my stomach (like a pillow, or jacket, or Kamry) so that my rolls are hidden.  I avoid clothing that is too tight or too loose.  (Both make a big person look bigger.)  It took me years to buy skinny jeans and I still have issues wearing them.  Unfortunately sometimes they are all I have clean to wear.  The girl in the mirror and the girl I remember from the past, the one I see in my head, are two different people.



Me in 1999 starting college

I've tried diets.  I've tried Weight Watchers, South Beach, a trainer, pills from the doctor, over-the-counter diet pills, diet and calorie counting apps, and just plain old eating less and exercise.  None have worked.  Usually I can drop about 15 pounds and then it stops.  Well....maybe I stop.  But since June, when I really started trying again, I haven't lost more than 8 pounds.  Do you know what it feels like to work hard, with a trainer mind you, for 2 months and drop 2 pounds?  That's it. 2 pounds.  Even he was stumped.  So I went to the doctor and there are some medical issues (nothing major) that make losing weight an extremely hard challenge for me. (That made me feel a little better.)
I started to think about what was really going on.  I know I have these medical issues but I think my inability to lose weight goes deeper than that.  I know its me.  My weight is my defense mechanism.  This is my irrational thinking that I rationalize with:

I can blame the fact that I'm not married on the fact that I'm fat.  If I lose weight and become skinny and can't find someone to love me then that means there is something wrong with ME.    

Do you know how embarrassing that is to admit?  Do you know what its like walking around with those kinds of thoughts running through your brain constantly?  I've been cheated on in every relationship I've had.  I've been depressed and overweight in every relationship I've had.  They cheated on me because I'm fat right?  At least I hope that is why.  I don't want it to be because there is something wrong with who I am.  I don't want to face the fact that its because I am not good enough.

I AM GOOD ENOUGH.  I know that now.  OK, truthfully some days I know that and other days I'm back to my old way of thinking--that I am unloveable. 

I have noticed that my body is changing.  I've measured and weighed.  No significant loss in either category.  However, my body starting to get its hour glass shape back in my waist.  I'd like to think its because I'm beginning to value myself again. I'm shedding some of the burden I carry with me.  Instead of "weight being lifted off my shoulders" I think its being lifted off my waist. 

I think when overweight people start putting themselves down in front of others, instead of saying "Oh your not fat" (because we know you are lying) or "Your beautiful the way you are" (because we will never feel that way) people should say something to the effect of "You are worth more than you let yourself be."  Overweight people are not overweight because they are gluttons; many, many times people are overweight because of some deeper issue that no one else understands.

And, for goodness sakes skinny people, stop telling overweight people things such as "If you just exercise for 30 minutes a day" or "Just eat less" or (the worst) "I'm so fat" while you stand there in your size 6 skinny jeans and small/medium shirt.   Thats just asking for a slap in the face.  Which sometimes I wish was legal to do.