Peter is a great dad, don't get me wrong. He loves Kamry with all his heart; he will do anything for her. Sometimes I wished he would have put as much energy into our relationship as he did to Kamry. Once I tried to tell him that he loved Kamry more than me. He called me jealous and made me feel really bad for ever thinking or saying such a thing. I was trying to tell him in order for our relationship to work we had to put each other first. I've heard over and over again that the key to a successful relationship is putting God first, each other second, and the children third. I tried explaining that doesn't mean we should ignore her or that I should always get my way before her. I tried telling him that couples who only focus on their children usually don't make it because once the children are gone they have nothing in common any more. He didn't get it. He still doesn't.
I realized that I had really been a single mom all along about a month after Peter moved out. I was giving Kamry a bath after doing dinner and dishes. I was watching her play and that is when it dawned on me. This was my life: While I was at work Peter was home watching Kamry. When I got home (from a long day at a job that I hated) I would start cleaning up the house. Peter and Kamry usually left it a mess and then I did most of the cleaning. Peter used to love to announce to me that he mopped that day and get upset with me when I didn't notice on my own. He mopped. That was it. All day. And I was supposed to make sure I noticed? Sometimes I wanted to punch him.
After I picked up the house I would start dinner. Peter either laid on the couch or went to the gym. I know, I know...your asking yourself "Wait! How can he feel OK to work out but his back hurt too much to find a job?" I asked myself that question all the time. I asked him. He said working out never really hurt his back because he didn't use his back. I know...I know....stupid answer.
Anyway, after dinner I would do all the dishes with no help (we had no dishwasher), give Kamry a bath, and put her to bed. And I did all this by myself while he watched TV, or was gone at the gym, or across the street at his cousin's house. When we moved to the apartment it was the same way. Except he would be at the gym or on the couch.
I find three things hard about being a single mom.
1) Babysitters. I find it hard to get someone to watch Kamry when I need it. I don't have enough money to pay someone on a regular basis, his family is not always avaliable, and my family is far away. And most of the time I really just need someone to watch her for like an hour so I can run errands. Running errands with a 3 year old is not always fun. I do have to compliment Peter because he does help me by watching her when he can.
2) Conversation. When we sit down to dinner it is difficult to have a conversation with a 3 year old. We talk about school, coloring, and what her friends did that day. When I start to talk about my day Kamry will usually interrupt me. Its like she was never listening to me to begin with. Sometimes it gets very lonely.
3) Guilt. I feel a lot of guilt about Kamry growing up in a split home. And I feel a lot of guilt when I want to go out and enjoy myself without her. I try to go out (and I mean like happy hour) only when its "Peter's weekend" so I don't have to feel so much guilt. Feeling guilty is the worst part.
Most days I'm extremely happy its just me and Kamry. I love being able to make decisions based on what I want instead of worrying about another person. I think that means I really didn't love Peter as much as I thought I did. I mean, I think I would mourn for our relationship more than I do. Oh, believe me, I suffer from depression. But I'm discovering my depression and mourning is because I lost a person very dear to my heart. I lost me.
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