Only give up on math

I've been feeling kind of like a Negative Nancy the week.  I know I have been writing about loving myself, being on the way to better things, and being truly happy, but these last few days have been havoc on my soul.  Why you ask?  No reason at all.  Just the way I've been feeling.

When I started writing this blog it made me feel so much better to share my story.  Spring break was a miracle week because I felt the true power of positive thinking and of God.  And then I went back to work.

I noticed on Wednesday of my week back at work that the rush of uncontrollable crying, nausea, and general depressed feeling was back.  The only thing I can think of is that I am not happy with work.  I am not happy with what I do.  Problem is I don't know what I want to do.  I started thinking back to the time in my life that I was really, truly happy.  I know all of you will laugh at this but it was high school.  What?! High school?!  Everybody hated high school right?  Not me.  I had so much fun and I was so happy!  Then, after talking to a friend, I began to get a little scared--did this mean I was one of those girls that peaked in high school?  Oh God, please not!

But no, I don't think that is it either.  What was it?  I began to reminisce.  In high school I volunteered.  I was extremely active in my church.  I was involved with many activities that included my friends.  I belonged to groups.  I was an athlete where I worked out about 2 1/2 hours a day on average.  I went to movies and dances on the weekends.  I went on vacations with my family.  Holidays were big celebrations with lots of decorations.  I loved who I was.

"What we do for ourselves dies with us--what we do for others remains and is immortal." Albert Pike

I do none of that now.  I don't volunteer.  I go to church but just on Sundays.  I have no groups I belong to.  I have friends who I have fun with, but we all have our own lives so spending daily time together is not possible.  I don't work out.  I don't go to movies very often.  I've been made fun of so much about my dancing that I refuse to do it anymore.  I've skipped out on the family vacations over the last 10 years.  I still spend holidays with my family which I will never quit doing.

After realizing that I do none of the things that make me happy it was kind of like an "Oh duh" moment.  In a town the size of San Marcos it gets a little intimidating to get involved, especially since the locals already have such strong bonds with one another.  Also, with it being a college town most people come and go.  While I never want to leave the Catholic faith, I do feel I need to find a new Catholic church.  Mine feels a little too disorganized for my taste. I have been seeing more movies lately.  I hope to find someone who would like to go to dances and maybe even not make fun of me while I'm there.  I have a vacation planned with my family that, even if I have to sell everything I own, I am going.  (Not really--I have been putting money away.) I just need to find where I want to volunteer, particularly somewhere I can take Kamry with me so I don't have to get a baby sitter.  I read taking kids with you to volunteer is a great way to teach them compassion and giving.

"Remember that the happiest people are not the ones getting more, but the ones giving more." H. Jackson Brown Jr.

How do you love yourself again?  How do you become that happy-go-lucky person who's faith and trust are so strong that even the worst news can't shake?  I have no idea.  However, unless its a math problem, I've never been one to give up if I don't know the answer...