My mistakes...

I want to make very clear that this is not a blog meant to bash Peter.  It is not meant to be one of those "all men are pigs" kinds of things.  This is a blog meant to allow my thoughts, feelings, and journey be shared with others.  It is a healing tool, not a destroying machine. 

This blog is not always going to be pretty.  The truth is not always pretty. Of course I'm going to put in little comments here and there about/to Peter that may not be very nice. But you can ask him--I say not-so-nice things straight to his face. I know if he ever reads this there are parts he is not going to like. Thats just too bad. I will make sure to share my mistakes too.

I do blame Peter for his choices.  He could have and should have made better choices.  He had many chances to get over his fear of sharing his emotions and just be honest with me. Our relationship ending the way it did was his fault.  Our relationship falling apart was both of our faults.  I do not completely blame Peter for our relationship.  This is hard for me to admit because I'm never wrong (wink, wink) but here are things I did wrong:

1) I didn't listen to Peter.  Right after I had Kamry I was sure Peter was going to propose. (It took him a year and month after her birth.)  I thought it would be a nice surprise and he knew how badly I wanted to get married.  I just didn't know how badly he didn't want to get married.  Peter said many, many times over the course of our relationship that he didn't want to get married.  He would say things like "I don't ever see myself as married."  "I don't want to get married." "I like things the way they are.  Why do we have to change if its working?"  I just dismissed these statements as him trying to get under my skin.  Sometimes they would make me cry and then he would say he was just kidding or he didn't really mean it.  But I think he just did that to make me feel better.  He really was trying to tell me his feelings but I wouldn't listen.  What woman wants to hear "I don't want to get married."?  It became obvious to me after we postponed the wedding but couldn't decide on a date that it was never really going to happen.  It was then I started to listen and I was sad.

2) I gave most of the power to Peter.  Then I would get mad about it.  I don't mean he "ruled" over me.  I mean, I hardly made any decisions.  He would ask things as simple as "Where do you want to eat?" and I wouldn't pick.  I was so worried about picking a place he didn't like that my answer would most of the time would be "Wherever you want."  Many times where he picked I didn't want to go. ( But, hey, I'm a people-pleaser and I want to make sure I make everyone else happy.)    Then I would just fume inside about how it was always what he wanted.  I would yell in our fights.  "Its always your way!"...but of course its always going to be his way when I don't stand up for what I want.

3) I ignored the warning signs.  The last two months of our relationship I began to pray really, really hard.  This was my prayer: "Lord, if Peter is cheating on me let me find out now with evidence so I can get out of this."  Now how sad of a prayer is that?  That tells me that deep in my heart I knew. Over the years of our relationships there were other text messages and strange amounts of time Peter would be "missing", but never anything concret.  I knew and I chose to ignore.  I am grateful God answered that prayer though.

Peter and I have a good relationship now.  I can actually be in the same room with him now and not want to punch him in the face.  We are friends and we do what we both feel is best for Kamry. I think we get along better now than we ever did during our relationship. Oh, we still fight, mostly over holidays.  After we fight we usually come to an agreement we can both live with.  I once read a quote that said something like "If a couple remains friends after they break up it means they were never really in love or they still are."  I believe Peter and I were never really "in love".  We loved and cared for each other, but we weren't in love. 

There is a difference between being in love and love.   I am now going to practice what I preach--I have to be in love with myself before I can be in love with anyone.  I can't wait to fall completely, hopelessly, and wonderfully in love with myself.