When I am afraid, I will trust in you. Psalm 56:3
These past few years have not been good to my emotional self. I have never once blamed God or got angry with him for it. I know that it is my fault...I have done this to myself. But I have prayed and prayed for his help. I get little glimpses of it here and there but I haven't gotten full-on help. I have felt almost like a disconnect with God...like I can't get close to him. It feels like there is a brick wall between my heart and Him. I can't fully trust him and give control over to him. Until a few weeks ago.
In Mass Father's sermon was about letting go of the sins of jealousy and envy. He said it is useless to be jealous and envious of others because God makes each of us exactly how he wants us to be. To want to be like someone else is wasting time and energy because we weren't meant to be like anyone else. I felt like God was speaking to me because I was doing exactly that--being jealous and envious of others because they had what I didn't. Why haven't I found my husband but others have? Why did I get cheated on when I'm a good person? Why was I still paying for an apartment, struggling paycheck to paycheck when others aren't? Why was I overweight and others get to be skinny? Why do I have to be unhappy in my job but others aren't? Why do I have to be unhappy at all?
Why can't I? Why don't I? No fair!...I was constantly saying these words to myself. There are many times I found myself even wishing Kamry was different. Why can't my child sit still like that child? Why can't my child behave like those children? Why can't my child eat veggies like other good little children do? Why can't my child have long straight hair like other little girls?
After that sermon it dawned on me...I don't want Kamry to be like other children. I love how energetic she is. I'm glad I don't have a child who I have to fight to leave the TV. I love that overall Kamry is a good little girl who cares about people very much. She is always saying other people are her friends. When she sees someone upset in books, movies, or real life she says "Aww, they are crying" and I can tell she feels for them. And even though I fight the veggie fight with her, Kamry eats a whole bunch of dairy and fruits which are also very important to her diet. I've quit wanting her to be like others and have started appreciating her for who she is.
As for me, its a different story. I have started appreciating myself a little more but its hard. I've tried relentlessly to stop wishing my life was like others'. I still have days where I toil with this. Although I've improved because I'm happier. I feel myself being happier.
Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.Psalms 37:5
My relationship with God is stronger. I am listening to him. I feel that gap between us growing smaller; the bricks are coming down one by one. I'm giving up control to him daily. God has spoken to me in the last few months. I'm paying attention. Here is what he has said:
I was frustrated with my job and wanted to leave. Like right in the middle of February. Well, as a teacher you can't just up and leave a job unless you never want to have a job teaching again. I was looking at other schools and wishing I could just walk out, move to another town and start teaching. When I left school that day I got into my car I was about to cry. I was so mad that I had to wait until summer to make changes. All of a sudden, for no reason at all, my visor clip fell into my lap. It was strange because it has never moved in the 5 years I've had it clipped up there. I picked it up to put it back on my visor and read it. It was my favorite prayer--The Serenity Prayer. I smiled and relaxed. I looked up out my windshield and said "OK God. I will wait. You have the control." And then and there I decided that whatever path I'm supposed to take professionally will happen. I leave it up to God.Since January I've had the urge to write. I would lay down at night and voice would tell me "You need to write. You need to share your story. You want to be a writer and I have given you a story. Go write." I didn't listen. I fought the urge every night because I was too lazy. When Lent came around for the first time I didn't want to give up chocolate or sodas like I usually do. I found those to be meaningless. I wanted to give up something that meant a true sacrifice on my part. So I gave up being lazy and procrastination. And it has been HARD. But it has been the most rewarding Lent I've ever experienced. I don't sit around anymore wishing my life was different. I'm getting up and DOING something about it. I have gotten my apartment cleaned and organized. I have starting teaching Kamry responsibility. I have gotten my work done with time to spare. I can actually enjoy time relaxing. But it takes a lot of work. And I've got this blog going. Writing has been wonderful to my soul and my healing. No wonder God was telling me to do it!
I still have a long journey of healing before me. I have a lot faith building to do. I take comfort in knowing that right now, during this really tough time in my life, God is carrying me....
No comments:
Post a Comment