I once heard that people go into a job that really is meant for their own personal issues. I knew a sex therapist who, from what I heard, could of used some sex therapy herself. And I thought the person who told me this was crazy. So when I finally figured out that I went into Psychology to figure out my own behavior, and not so much because I thought behavior was facinating, you can imagine my suprise. Everybody has boughts of depression. Espcially women and especially around that oh-so-special time of the month. And even though I had a degree in Psychology and I know the signs of depression, I thought "There is no way I'm depressed. See I'm happy. I'm fine." Until one day I couldn't control it any longer.
Depression has other ways to show itself other than just being "sad" or wanting to eat a whole bunch of chocolate (which I did both). Depression shows up in your work, in your moods, in your health, and in your soul. It affects not only you but all those around you. And I know you all know this. But while I think everyone knows this, the person with depression does not. At least, I didn't. Denial is a huge part of depression.
It started back in May. I remember because I didn't have a period and it worried me because I never miss. And I knew I wasn't pregnant because I wasn't doing anything with my fiance at the time that could get me pregnant. But I was nauseous every day. A wave of nausea would wash over me at least once a day, any time of the day. Then came the tears. I would tear up at anything. It could be a Hallmark comerical (which is normal to tear up about) or a toilet bowl commercial (which is not normal.) I remember hearing a comerical about laser hair removal and tearing up because the person talking was saying how wonderful it was. And then I remember thinking "What the hell is wrong with me?"
In June I finally got my period and thought I was in the clear. But the nausea and the tearing up wouldn't stop. And the anxiety was starting to set in. (Anxiety and depression symptoms are so close that many times they are experienced together. I had already been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder years before, but hadn't had an attack in years.) I couldn't figure out what was wrong so I chalked it up to me being an emotional, sensitive person. And when I told my doctor he didn't seem too concerned.
Then in July I found out my fiance was cheating on me. With my friend. With my friend who would come over and hang out with us. My friend who spent time with my daughter. My friend who I though it was really weird how she was so insistent one time to go swimming because she wanted to wear her new swim suit which was a skimpy bikini. I figured out later is was because she wanted to wear it in front of him. Ugh....
Anyway, that story is for another time. It is now March and I have just now figured out all this that I'm experiencing is depression, not anxiety. And it is hard because I don't wanna be depressed. I can manage it--so far. I'm terrified of falling so deep I can't get out. So that is why I'm writing...as an outlet. I feel my story needs to be shared because so many experience the same thing. Everybody wants to bash on the cheater and tell the cheatee "You will find someone new", "You were too good for him", and "Don't worry, it will get better", but no one wants to talk about the pain, the crying, the self blame, the whining, the defeat, and most of all the deep, deep bottomless pit of sadness that feels like your drowning....
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