Not a good day

Today was not a good day for me.  I've come to accept that not every day is going to be a good day for me, no matter how positive I am when I wake up.  I have been feeling so happy lately that having a bad day today made the depression start to creep back up inside.  I describe it as a feeling of drowning.  You know when you swim a little too far down and then your rushing to the top and you feel like your lungs are going to burst?  Then you hit the surface just in time and get that glorious rush of air to fill your lungs?  That is what depression is like to me.  I feel like I'm sinking and I actually take deep breaths of air to fill my lungs back up.  Its weird, but it pushes the depression feeling out of my chest and I'm OK once again.

I had a financial set back today.  Financial problems are a huge issue for me and I'm trying so hard to get a grip on them.  So when I was on the phone with guy and he told me there was nothing they could do to help me the tears welled up.  I couldn't speak for a few minutes.  And when he said "I"m sorry to be the bearer of bad news," I couldn't hold it together any longer.  The tears overflowed.  Big, fat, warm tears.  I could barely speak to him.  Then I was angry for crying on the phone to a complete stranger about something that was my own fault.  He was nice enough to extend my deadline by two days to reach payday.  So we hung up on a good note.  I got myself under control and began to immediately think about my plan of action.  This was not the end of the world, nor was it going to break me. (This is not my usual way of thinking.)

That is one of my problems.  I treat every obstacle as complete and utter devastation to my life.  I have had to teach myself an alternative way of thinking.  Setbacks and obstacles are a part of life.  I will get through them.  I came up with a Plan A, a Plan B, and not sure yet if I have a Plan C because I'm really hoping A or B works out.  I began to execute plan A already.  It looks like its going to work out, but until its fully executed I cannot feel safe.

No, today was not a good day.  I don't know if tomorrow will be a good day.  But my Plan A for tomorrow is "Its going to be a good day."  And Plan B is "If its not a good day, how am I going to handle it?"  And Plan C is "Oh my God my world is crashing and I'm a complete and utter failure."

I'm pretty sure tomorrow that Plan A or B will work out just fine. :-)